An Open Letter To Britney Spears

Dear Miss Spears:

I am sure that you do not wish to hear any more about your personal "malfunctions"; however, I believe that I can provide a solution to your current woes.

I will agree to be a Life Coach for you for the sum of $300.00 USD per hour.

I will provide my services to you for one hour -- no more, no less -- per day for a total of 5 hours per week until you are able to maintain some semblance of sanity for more than a few days.

I see several pros to this approach:

1) $300.00/hour is most certainly less than whatever you are paying your attorney/s.
2) I can help you repair your public image.
3) I can assist you with your custody issues.
4) I can make myself available to you for those hours -- interruption-free.

I believe that you are searching for help and I can and will provide that assistance to you.

My rules are simple and few:

You agree to do what I ask for the time period that I am employed by you, although negotiation of those requests is possible. Wearing underwear is not negotiable.
You further agree not to make decisions outside that scope without first vetting them through me.
If you cannot follow the first two rules, our employment period will end immediately and any and all errors in judgment to follow will be understood to be your sole responsibility.

My methods speed growth of personal accountability and responsibility, while allowing time for you to work through whatever demons you currently have or believe you have.

I believe that the time period that will be required will span approximately 6 months.
This is a rough figure of $36,000. This is a sum less than you spent last month on well, whatever you spend your money on. After six months, if you still require additional assistance/lessons, supplemental hours can be purchased, although the price for those lessons will increase to $500.00/hour for the first twenty hours and on an increasing scale for any further lessons. This is to prevent dependence and encourage personal growth.

At the end of those six months, if my rules are adhered to, I can guarantee that your life will have less stress, more focus, and a much better trajectory than it currently has. I can further guarantee that your children will be happier and healthier.

Please let me know. Comments can be posted to this blog - so have your people get in touch with my. . . well, me.

To my friends and family -- no, I'm not kidding.
To Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, and Paris Hilton -- this applies to you as well.